Articles

MAVERICK LIFE

WELLNESS

From the Archives: Rest for the Restless Mind (Part One of Two)

By Stefan Blom

 Follow

19 May 2021  2

No matter what you experience, be it loss, trauma or everyday shocks that are making you restless, here is some guidance on how to find rest for the restless mind, says clinical psychologist Stefan Blom.

BeyondWords

Ed’s note: This story was first published on 19 May 2021. But we know it’s a tough time, so we thought you might need something to help you find some calm in the storm that is our political world right now.

It started with me documenting my own restless mind, in a kind of diary, noting the process from disconnection to connection, from restlessness to peace of mind. Over time, I started observing the journeys of others in therapy: From “I am feeling so lost” and “I don’t know what I need”, to “I feel grounded, aligned, centered… the best I have felt in years”. 

“How do you find rest for the restless mind?” is the question I hear most often from my clients; it’s a question I have been wrestling with for many years myself. You might believe that finding rest for your restless mind lies in something extraordinary, something you have never heard of before, but it comes in life’s freest, simplest and gentlest ways.

Here, I share some of my own tried and tested ways while weaving in the wisdom of others whose guidance I’ve found worthwhile. 

Understand loss and trauma

Loss and trauma often arise from life’s unexpected and inevitable shocks or surprises. They range from everyday shocks, like a car suddenly swerving in front of you on the road or a stranger shouting at you, to more traumatic losses, like the passing of a loved one or the loss of one’s job or one’s health. We underestimate the distressing effects of a child not being well, or a loved one screaming at you or ignoring you. These experiences often shake us to our core as we feel them in our minds, bodies and souls; and yet, despite their real impacts it seems we often spend most of our time suppressing, avoiding and hiding from our truths. 

We experience multiple losses during traumatic events, shocks and new beginnings. The birth of a child or getting married can come with many traumatic experiences and losses (along with the beautiful gains). The effects of a break in trust, the loss of job security or mental ill health can be experienced as loss on many levels, limiting our ability to be at peace.

In therapy, shock, loss or trauma are often experienced like a metaphorical blow to your core self. Like a bus hitting you from the side, your inner world starts to shake as your mind accelerates, going into survival, coping or protective mode. This speaks to many of our biggest fears, like the feeling that we are not in control over what is happening to us, or that we will not be able to cope with what life throws at us.

To find rest for our restless mind, we need to understand what is happening to us. This requires a deeper understanding of what we are experiencing and why.

Based on my observations, the symptoms of shock, trauma and loss are often the same:

  • Feelings of displacement and disconnection from your self, almost like standing next to your self;
  • Fragmentation of the mind, often manifesting as distraction and scattered thoughts that float like busy butterflies in a room;
  • Restlessness, hyperactivity and sleeplessness, often manifesting as accelerated thoughts;
  • Random bursts of distractibility, poor concentration and short attention span;
  • Heightened sensory sensations, often feeling sensitive to noise, light or smell;
  • Feeling alert, defensive, vulnerable and in need of protection; desperately looking for safety and calm;
  • A constant state of deep exhaustion paired with an inability to rest or be still;
  • Short-term memory gaps, often forgetting what you are busy with, wandering around lost and without direction; brain fog;
  • A pressing need to escape or get away, leading to avoidance behaviour and procrastination;
  • Circular, repetitive and anxious thinking, picking up one idea after another, without feeling productive or “together”;
  • Remarkably low levels of physical and emotional energy, low mood;
  • Irritability and short temperedness, easily frustrated, low tolerance;
  • Questioning life, but not finding answers, creating a general feeling of being lost and without direction;
  • Feeling tense, highly strung and impatient, with an exaggerated fright or fear response;
  • A tendency towards anxiety, lots of worrying about the future, catastrophic and worst-case-scenario thinking;
  • A tendency towards depression, a low, dark mood with negative thoughts, seeing the world with negativity, lots of complaining;
  • A compassion fatigue, low tolerance for the suffering of others, emotional saturation;
  • Shortness of breath, shallow breathing, pressure on your chest;
  • Tension in the core of your body, often manifesting as a heavy pit in your stomach or tensions in the neck or shoulder areas; and
  • Mood swings, feeling like you are on an emotional rollercoaster, often experiencing different and mixed emotions over short periods.

You might experience a few or many of these signs as a result of experiencing everyday shocks, trauma or loss. They meet the criteria for a few psychiatric conditions, especially anxiety conditions. No matter what the labels are, it is important that we move beyond our symptoms, as knowing them too well does not bring calm.

My own history with anxiety has been one of my biggest experiences of loss. Anxiety is a loss of perspective. My mind gets plagued by circular, fleeting and repetitive thoughts, restless hyperactivity fuelled by waves of anxiety, worrying about the future and catastrophic or worst-case-scenario thinking. What I often lose, along with my peace of mind, is my sense of safety and security and the courage, self-belief and energy to act. Loss deepens our lostness as we lose perspective on the bigger picture and repetitively zoom in with tunnel vision.

Knowing your symptoms and diagnosis is not enough. Go deeper and find your own words and descriptions for what is making you constantly restless. Finding words for what you are experiencing can be the first step on your road of recovery.

Gently meet and greet your pain and worries

Choose to go on a journey of self-awareness or consciousness, and go deeper through introspection and self-exploration. Make it your priority to figure out what is going on inside you and not so much around you.

Do not lose time trying to figure out who or what you are or what it all means; rather focus your energy on finding out where you are at. Knowing where you are at is about connecting with what is bothering you, disturbing or confusing you. Ask yourself: What exactly is bothering or creating tension for me?

Take your time in slowly noting what is creating the discomfort inside you through listening to your thoughts, feelings, institutions and the cues of your body. Because the mind can play powerful tricks on us, the physical messages sent by your body are a good place to look for your truths.

Listen to what your body is telling you (and not always your mind). If you need space or rest, silence or company, tell yourself to go there without judgement or evaluation. Don’t overthink it.

You might be exhausted, for example, but the idea of sitting still and “just being” can feel impossible. Your body is desperate to rest, but your restless and neglected thoughts are shouting for your attention and are overriding your real need for rest. Connect with what is true on the inside of you without the need to judge, fix or problem-solve. Simply try to take note of what is distressing and ungrounding you. Be as lost, broken or fearful as you truly are; simply greet and meet your pain and worries. Be reminded that on the other side of this meeting place are the beginnings of your peace of mind.

Make it visible and leave it in one place

Whatever is disturbing your mind, keep it in one place and make it visible – for example, by writing it down in one place or finding authentic words and descriptions for what you are experiencing. Look at what is going on and avoid the “whys”. What this process provides is similar to one of the many benefits of therapy: One place where you can share safely and “see” your life without fear or judgement.

The process of documentation as meditation is important, as it centres your thoughts in a place with boundaries, instead of storing them in your circular, repetitive mind. Personally, I prefer to write my restless thoughts in a paper diary, but you need to find your own way. Writing down what is bothering you is not a process you need to judge or even necessarily revisit; the process of acknowledging and storing your thoughts in one place often provides your first experience of relief.

Be kind with what you see

From your first spark of awareness of your body, mind and soul, demonstrate gentle love, kindness and compassion. Be very patient, especially if you are dealing with a lot. 

Take your time and move between “seeing” and healthy distraction as often as you need. Whether the list of worries, losses, fears, uncertainties and painful events circling your mind is short or long, pace yourself in meeting with whatever is activating your restless mind.

Get to know your concerns one by one by spending time with what you feel, think and know. Try to make friends with what you meet and find out how it really feels. 

Expect it to be hard at times, to feel vulnerable, sad, lost or broken. There is no need to add further injury through worrying about worrying or getting more lost. Know that whatever is disconnecting you is in desperate need of your attention. Remember that what is true for you, but unexamined, will stand in the way of resting your mind. Here, I visualise our rescue animals, demanding our attention; restless until we really “see” them and give them all our loving attention.

Sit back, breathe deeply and say: “Hello, I see you. Good to meet you at last.”

Slow down on measuring yourself and your experiences

Most often, what I observe in therapy (and in myself) is that the sharing of what we fear, restlessly feel and think is followed by words that speak of evaluation. We like to label and dismiss what is constantly speaking to us as “nothing” or as “oversensitive”, as “wrong or right, too much or not enough”. We struggle to just feel what we feel; we have to give ourselves points for it. “What is wrong with me?” I hear in therapy, followed by a lot of “should and should nots or what ifs”.

Whatever you connect with, try your best to not judge or evaluate it. Become aware of your scales of evaluation, where you hear yourself speaking to yourself with should and should not, do and do not, or labels like good or bad, or right and wrong. Try your best to ban all evaluative and judgemental thoughts and simply “see” what is making you restless. No need to judge.

One way to do this is to speak to yourself like a close friend who knows you and will not judge you; or imagine the non-judgemental voice of your therapist speaking to you, gently telling you to see it without the need to judge. What you connect with does not need to be judged, but welcomed.

Slow down on running away and avoidance

We have become experts in avoidance and procrastination, and spend a rapidly growing portion of our lives doing it. Increase your awareness of how you run away from your problems. And expect that connecting with your worries or pain can fuel your need to run away.  

Running away or avoiding yourself is like going to the same restaurant you always go to, but complain about. Why do you keep going back when you know it doesn’t make you feel good?

It seems that the false belief that if we ignore our problems they will get better or miraculously go away keeps us stuck in repetitive cycles with no relief. Hope of change and empty promises without responsibility and dedication feed your restless mind. I had to learn it many times myself: The only way around it is through it.

Healing starts in meeting with your realities. Feel what is true: Your losses, your fears, your regrets and your pain. See what is in need of your urgent attention.

This step might be enough of an inward journey for you: Simply unpacking the moments that affect you and that you still carry. Seeing it all unpacked might be the relief you needed and your process might end here.

Silence the noise of others

Give yourself full permission to focus on yourself for once; even just for a little while per day, because every moment going inwards is a step closer to peace for your mind.

Introspection requires the silencing of the voices or noise of others and constantly bringing yourself back to yourself. Write or responsibly share your truths for a change; press pause on thinking for or about others. If you struggle to do this, constantly remind yourself of the choice you’ve made and turn back to your path of self-discovery. Give yourself all the time you need; no rush.

At the core of the avoidance of your reality, could be a lack of trust in yourself or belief that you will be safe. These beliefs that prevent us from going inward, often come from our childhoods, a time when we were unsupported, unloved, neglected, betrayed or spoiled, creating false perceptions, expectations and beliefs about who, what and how we are. Those hurtful and lost places endure – places where we experienced pain and fear, but found coping mechanisms, avoidance tricks and power moves to survive – fuelling habits of hiding from our truths.

Here you might battle with your cultural and social programming trying to steer you off your path of introspection. For example, I grew up in a time in which knowing yourself was unpopular to the point of being labelled “selfish” or “self-absorbed”. Not being calm or happy would be called “crazy”.

Avoid pathologising yourself with general descriptions or labels. Rather, find rich descriptions of what you are experiencing on the inside. See yourself as dimensional; notice your contradictions and describe the contours of your inner world as you would beautiful landscapes.

Boosted by a popular culture of unhealthy distractions, like always looking at our phones, or using food, prescription medication and substances, we know very well how to avoid, fuelling our levels of anxiety and depression. The belief that you need something on the outside of you constantly chips away at your inner belief in your own ability to be safe. Stop hiding behind substances, making excuses or empty promises and carrying others.

Become aware of how much you are worrying about or thinking for others and look out for your habit of pointing a blaming finger outwards for everything you feel. We seem not to listen and trust our own voice, as we listen too much to undefined others. Rather, look at getting to know yourself through spending time with you. Try to put aside your constant effort to please others or worry on behalf of others, and give yourself permission to gently look inside yourself.

You can do anything if you give it time.

Filter your feelings and decide what needs attention

Filter through what is worrying you, causing you pain or discomfort. Make sure you are only focusing on what is yours to carry and that you are not worrying on behalf of others most of the time.

Find a balance between carrying a load for others and carrying what is yours. Stand back from what you cannot control and put it down. Remind yourself constantly that you can feel for the world, but you need to connect with what is yours for peace of mind.

Ask yourself: Is what I am spending time with worthy of my attention and energy? Is what I carry really true for me? You might realise that the lot you have been carrying is not yours to carry and that you can lighten the load. In my experience, not looking at what is making us restless can result in it growing much larger in our minds, rather than simply meeting our reality.

And know that you set the pace: You can set the pace of your journey with breathing, meditation, visualisations and healthy distractions. DM/ML

Stefan Blom is a clinical psychologist who specialises in relationships. He lives and works in Cape Town and is the author of The Truth About Relationships (translated into Afrikaans and Romanian), published by Human & Rousseau. For more information, go to his website. 

MAVERICK LIFE

WELLNESS

From the Archives: Rest for the Restless Mind (Part Two of Two)

By Stefan Blom

 Follow

02 Dec 2022  0

No matter what you experience, be it loss, trauma or everyday shock that makes you restless, in the second part of this story, clinical psychologist Stefan Blom shares how meditation, breathing and other techniques can help you find rest for the restless mind.

BeyondWords

Ed’s note: This story was first published on 24 May 2021. But we know it’s a tough time, so we thought you might need something to help you find some calm in the storm that is our political world right now.

Read Part One of ‘Rest for the Restless Mind‘, here.

Bottom of Form

Breathing, meditation and visualisations

I cannot write about rest for the restless mind without speaking about the power of simple breathing, meditation and visualisations. For years, I felt that these were skills I needed to acquire by going on special courses, but, in fact, I’ve learnt that these everyday practices are readily available to us.

Here are some simple examples:

  • Walk while being aware of your breathing;
  • Slow down your breathing as you breathe through what you feel;
  • Breathe in new energy and breathe out your stress;
  • Inhale and exhale five times slowly;
  • Lie down or sit still (with your eyes open or not), and breathe and be still for as long as you can. Watch your tendency to want to do things. Do nothing but be still and breathe slowly for as long as you need;
  • Visualise nature being inhaled into the areas of tension in your body. Exhale your pain and worries. Breathe waves into your worrying gut and wash away your stress. Inhale a tree into your lungs, breathing inside of you, as you exhale your worries;
  • Do a simple meditation or breathing exercise where you breathe in and out while visualising moving towards the centre of your body. If you want, you can use your hands to wave good energy into your body and wave away bad energy exiting your body.

Develop your own ways to push against restlessness. We have almost forgotten that the simple act of breathing slowly and deeply is one of the most wonderful tools to soften the blows. Blow through that heavy pit in your stomach and expand your lungs.

Healthy distraction

Find a happy relationship between connecting with your thoughts, feelings and body cues, and slowing down the pace with some healthy distractions.

Healthy distractions are not about avoidance of your problems, but about finding breathing spaces on your journey of self-discovery. Healthy distractions can be anything from watering your plants, to talking to a friend, to making a meal, to simple everyday actions like walking, gardening, swimming, washing, writing, singing… All of these things can be healthy breaks from a busy mind.

Avoid the places that you know well enough and have visited often enough; avoid habits, like substances and screen-watching, that are making your mind restless and stealing your light, keeping you out of balance, robbing your energy and distracting you from yourself.

Your intention is not to resist the restlessness, but to gently meet with your worries in a safer way. Therefore look at yourself with constant breaks for air in order to gain some new perspectives. Like the artist stepping away from the canvas to ponder on the work, healthy distractions are a welcome relief for a busy mind. A short break can be a source of remarkable perspective and insight.

Take your busy mind for a walk in nature or in a book, and see how these activities create instant relief for your restless mind.

Step outside of your comfort zones

Say no to what comforts you but doesn’t tell you the truth. What is true is most likely outside of your comfort zones. Put down what is not good for you and do more of what you know is good for you. Preserve your energy by carefully choosing the people and experiences you would like to have on this journey and need right now. Move towards nature and movement in order to find nurture.

Give yourself permission to be

It seems hard to give ourselves full permission to be where we are truly at, be it lost, or anxious or struggling to be still. Give yourself permission to be where you are at and receive what you need.

In addition to the anxiety effects of our traumas and losses, we are increasingly restless because we wrestle with the experience of not being in control of our restless thoughts. Be it restless, lost, sad or all over the place, we struggle to accept the impact of a painful or stressful event on our minds and bodies. Often, I have to remind my clients about the real and human effects of an event and that what they’ve experienced is tough enough as it is.

Do what you need

Restore your sense of inner stability through sticking to your own promises to yourself. If you need rest or need to take action, do it without negotiation and bargaining — and start to feel better. Don’t overcommit to too many things at the same time. Maybe consider one thing per day. To focus on that thing requires some of your time. Give in to it. No debate.

Listen to what you need and move in the direction of your needs. Do not judge what you need; simply get to know it and see if it needs any attention. It is in the avoidance of what you know you need to do that your mind spins out of control.

Restore trust in yourself through listening to yourself and sticking to your own promises. Listening to yourself is about acting upon the cues from your mind and body and giving them what they need. If you need to stay away, put what you’re doing down and slow down. Or, if you need to step up, listen and do it.

Create a counter process

Develop a counter, inner voice that is a kind, understanding, compassionate and honest companion on your inner journeys. This voice might debate or even silence the voices that are critical, destructive or repetitive, as they will only make you question and keep you lost.

Discipline your critical mind instead of yourself. Tell your mind what you need, be it to slow down, stop judging, take one thing at a time, be silent or kind. Be reminded that you set your own pace and have authority over those voices that describe you.

Stop your critical, hard inner voices and practise a new voice that takes good, honest care of you. How you speak to what you do and who you are will change the way you feel about yourself. This might require challenging your thoughts by gently redirecting them to a space of kindness and understanding of yourself, rather than punishment.

Develop an inner voice that is supportive, encouraging, honest and kind. Nobody can do this for you except yourself.

Manage your expectations of the process

The expectation that it will be a smooth ride might be unrealistic. In actual fact, any expectations could mess you up.

Stop trying to control what is not in your control and, instead, be as lost as you need to be. This might require a huge adjustment in your expectations and going against one’s usual patterns of control, problem-solving and fixing. Accept that everything that happens to you is not always in your control, especially if you’re doing your best with what you have. Stop putting expectations on life. This huge gap in expectations is what often messes with our minds and distracts us from continuing on our intuitive journeys.

The direction you are moving towards is where you feel like you are “at home” in yourself again. This kind of “landing” in yourself is often described as relaxing or breathing again — an inner glow that shines through your eyes at times. You feel more centred, silent and like yourself. You experience lost and found moments of brief peace, silence and insight. Whatever your journey, let go of your expectations and be where you need to be.

As you are making sense of your realities and show a dedication to them, your perspective on life might shift from tunnel vision towards an outward-bound, bigger-picture perspective. This can lead to feelings of gratitude and lightness of being as well as a renewed sense of energy and interest in life.

Stop the questioning

We like to overthink our worries through questioning, intellectualising and rationalising, rather than looking for our truths. Questioning yourself, your past choices and life in general might just be another way of avoiding yourself.

Asking what and why when you are dealing with loss and trauma can keep you in a familiar cycle that makes you feel even more lost. This is not the time to ask questions, especially about the meaning of life and who you are.

Rather, focus your energy on getting to know yourself well, while practising how to truly relax, just be and enjoy life. Spend time in good places with people who give off good, honest energy. This is much more rewarding than routinely asking yourself very circular questions about the many meanings of life.

Practise being still

Slow down on the endless rushing from one thing to the next, steadily robbing you of motivation and purpose. Rushing is just another way to stay disconnected from yourself.

You might find that you have lost connection with yourself and the people around you, despite your productivity and efficiency. A life dominated by administration and domestication can give you the sense of being in a good team, but it often feels empty. It is in the rushing that we lose ourselves and act in unconscious ways. Life starts to feel grey quickly.

Resist the rush through trying your best to slow down whatever you do. Take charge of your experiences of time: even five minutes of stopping and being still can be grounding; from this meeting place you might find the pleasure in the small things again — like the sounds of birdsong or taking your time to make and eat a meal.

Take it even further and practise being still by sitting anywhere and doing nothing. Tell yourself not to jump up or grab your phone. See if you can learn to simply be still. Take in what is around you as you slow down your breathing. This is, of course, not as easy as you might think, because we are programmed to constantly do, act and distract.

Take time to see what you normally would not see when rushing. Feel what you feel without the obsession to act. This is how you find the beauty in small things on any given day.

Share it with a friend or two

Not being able to share our well-being with loved ones can make us feel displaced. Being seen by others is a restful experience for the restless mind. Share what you think and feel with someone you trust and with whom you feel safe.

Find proof of coping and victories

To be safe in yourself is to believe in your capacity to cope with whatever life brings. You know that life can be difficult and loss inevitable, but do you believe you will be able to cope with it? This sense of safety requires trust in yourself, based on your history and experience. You need proof of having coped in order to be safe in yourself.

Your path might initially feel like a rollercoaster ride. What can be grounding is a simple reminder of your small victories — those little moments in which you wanted to run away, but dealt with whatever you were facing. Those moments where you had no choice but to be courageous. Maybe you’ve forgotten who you are despite fear or loss and need a reminder. Connect with those parts of yourself that can persevere and take charge.

The irony is, despite all our fears about not coping and despite often overthinking it, when trauma or loss actually hits you, you find yourself just getting through another day, even if it feels like you don’t have it in you. I am constantly being reminded in therapy that we do cope even if we spend big parts of our lives fearing not coping.

Taking it moment by moment, gently encouraging yourself to keep going while hearing yourself breathing deeply is how you move forward despite adversity. This is what coping means: kindness, patience and responsibility to yourself.

Postscript

This story was born in response to losses and traumas as a kind of guide to how to handle loss. But there is no waterproof guide for loss or trauma, as we all process these experiences in so many unique and often beautiful ways. You have to find your own path.

Loss and trauma are the inevitable beginnings of change. Even though the loss or trauma is not by your own choosing (mostly, it is not), it is what you make of your experience that can bring new growth and a renewed sense of self.

In our meetings with adversity and disaster, we get an invitation to go deeper and live consciously. We get this invitation for honest change often, and have the choice to go on a remarkable journey that can expand our appreciation for life.

Every step you take on your path of awareness, along which you continuously show dedication to your realities, you feel more present in yourself. On the other side of the work of introspection are moments of quiet knowing, relief and grounding. You might find more than a safe landing in yourself when you take what has rightly been called “the road less travelled”. DM/ML

Stefan Blom is a clinical psychologist who specialises in relationships. He lives and works in Cape Town and is the author of The Truth About Relationships (translated into Afrikaans and Romanian), published by Human & Rousseau. For more information, go to his website. 

MAVERICK LIFE

THE CONVERSATION

Attachment theory: what people get wrong about pop psychology’s latest trend for explaining relationships.

By Pascal Vrticka

 Follow

25 Jan 2023  

What you actually need to know about attachment styles.

BeyondWords

Attachment theory is almost everywhere. In magazines and books, in the news, on social media and in our conversations with each other.

Originally rooted in developmental psychology, the theory explains how we form and maintain close relationships in order to survive and thrive in the environment we are born into. It was quickly picked up not only by pop culture but also by social psychology, psychotherapy, psychiatry as well as child welfare practice. But some of the most important features of attachment theory are getting lost in translation. Misunderstandings are leading people to believe they have a “bad” attachment type that is wreaking havoc on their relationships.

Attachment theory is not a gauge of whether someone has the “wrong” or “right” attachment type. Its purpose is to help people understand what coping strategies they use when the people they are closest to are, or are perceived to be, unavailable or inconsistently responsive.

When psychologist John Bowlby developed attachment theory about 70 years ago, he had two goals in mind. He wanted to create language that can be used to scientifically formulate and test hypotheses. It worked: hundreds of studies have since been carried out exploring the many facets of attachment across the human lifetime.

Bowlby also wanted to develop a language that appealed to the public: evocative and relatable. Attachment theory soon became the talk of the town and was picked up by other scientists, practitioners, politicians, lawyers and parents. It gave people a new way to understand infant-parent and adult relationships with friends, family and romantic partners. Unfortunately, the meaning has been diluted.

What attachment theory means

The confusion starts with the term attachment itself. It is often understood by the public to mean a child’s love for their parent or the bond a parent forms with their child. People also use attachment to describe how adults relate to and interact with others.

In attachment theory attachment refers to a more selective type of relationship in which only a few people are sources of support. A parent does not become attached to their baby but acts as the infant’s caregiver and attachment figure.

Their caregiving may nonetheless be influenced by their own attachment type. As adults, we only become attached to a limited number of people although our attachment type in close relationships also tends to reveal itself during our social interactions with friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even strangers.

People also often say children have a weak or strong attachment to their caregiver or that they are more or less attached to their romantic partner. But attachment theory focuses on how humans differ in the quality of our attachment bonds in terms of security.

There is consistent evidence for better developmental outcomes in securely attached children and fewer mental health-related problems among securely attached adults. However, all attachment types, whether secure or insecure, are meaningful because they are adaptations. There aren’t good and bad attachment types.

It makes sense to develop an avoidant attachment type – being more self-reliant and socially distant – if there are no responsive attachment figures around in times of need. Attachment security does not describe a good and confident psychological state which should be desired by everyone. It reflects someone’s perception of the availability and responsiveness of attachment figures.

Attachment insecurity is about compensation mechanisms (called secondary attachment strategies). These strategies help us cope with insecurity when we experience others as unavailable or inconsistently responsive. They are appropriate, often necessary and should not be labelled as bad or maladaptive.

Many people think of so-called disorganised attachment, which may develop when the child’s caregivers become a source of distress, as a chaotic state. In popular culture disorganised attachment is thought to almost always arise because of adverse childhood experiences like abuse or neglect. But developmental psychologists know there are many possible causes of disorganised attachment and its links with child maltreatment are complicated at best.

How to tackle the problem

Scientific studies that take an engaging and unusual angle can be a great tool to share knowledge with the public. The purpose of psychology after all is to help us understand ourselves and how we relate to others. For example, a recent study investigated how the lyrics of our favourite songs may be related to our attachment type.

It found that we tend to return to the tunes about relationships that mirror our own experiences. And particularly so if we are avoidantly attached, which makes us more likely to prefer music with avoidant lyrics. The study also found that the lyrics of over 800 songs written between 1946 and 2015 overall became more avoidant and less secure, which could reflect a trend in society.

Attachment researchers are also working to tackle the widespread confusion. For example, the Society for Emotion and Attachment Studies (SEAS) has created an excellent free online guide that lists many attachment concepts, their common misconceptions, and accessible definitions.

My team’s research is taking another approach. We are building language to talk about the social neuroscience of human attachment (SoNeAt). This involves studying attachment theory in action by combining psychological attachment methods like behavioural observation, interviews and questionnaires with neurobiological measures like heart rate, secretion of hormones (such as oxytocin or cortisol) and brain activation, structure and connectivity.

We hope our efforts can help bring more clarity to attachment language not only across different scientific domains but also when communicating attachment research to the public.

Understanding how infant-parent and adult attachment works can give us important tools for reflecting upon our relationships. This only works, however, if we agree on a common attachment language. DM/ML 

This story was first published in The Conversation.

Pascal Vrticka is an Assistant Professor and Lecturer in Psychology at the University of Essex.

The Anatomy of a Panic Attack

By Dani Blum Illustrations by Daniel Liévano Nov. 10, 2022

Panic attacks revolve around terror. Though people mainly associate them with the mind, they’re actually constellations of symptoms, both physical and cognitive. Your brain is seized by fear; your body responds, and it can be hard to make sense of it all.

What is a panic attack?

Most experts define a panic attack as a sudden onset of intense fear, as opposed to a condition like general anxiety, which usually manifests as almost constant worry.

People having panic attacks are bombarded by mental and physical symptoms, which can vary from person to person.

Their hearts might race and throb.

They may feel that they cannot breathe.

Their limbs might tingle. Sometimes they shake.

They may grow nauseous.

Their chests could tighten, and some report a sensation of feeling they’re being choked. Some people experiencing panic attacks may suddenly feel hot and sweaty, others feel like they have the chills.

And then there’s the churning and destabilizing fear. In the throes of a panic attack, people may worry that they are going insane, losing control of their minds and bodies. They may think they are having a heart attack or even that they are going to die.

Most people who regularly experience panic attacks do not experience all of these symptoms, but may have many of them. A small subset of people who get panic attacks, however, have limited symptom panic attacks, in which they encounter three or fewer.

And, almost as suddenly as panic attacks come on, they typically dissipate. Symptoms mount over the course of ten minutes, and usually fade within half an hour, although some people may feel lingering effects.

The experience can be traumatic, however, and people who have panic attacks may start to fear sensations that remind them of their symptoms, like feeling out of breath after climbing a flight of stairs. They might also avoid anything that reminds them of the episode — the grocery store where their heart pounded, the food they were eating when the panic hit.

Some people may develop panic disorder, which psychologists define by repeated, unexpected panic attacks that interfere with daily functioning. While 15 to 30 percent of people will have at least one panic attack in their life, only two to four percent will develop panic disorder, Dr. Schneier said. A subset of those people — roughly one in three — also develop agoraphobia, an anxiety disorder that can involve extreme fear of public or crowded places, public transit, standing in line or leaving one’s home at all. This may occur when people become intensely afraid of the places in which they have had panic attacks before.

What causes panic attacks?

A diverse set of stressors — like traumatic events, financial worries or even public speaking — can prompt panic attacks. But they can also occur unexpectedly, with no discernible trigger.

When people experience intense stress, it activates the sympathetic nervous system, a network of nerves that trigger what psychologists call the “fight or flight” response to perceived danger. The body releases chemicals like epinephrine, also known as adrenaline, and norepinephrine, which cause the heart to go into overdrive, pupils to swell and our skin to release sweat.

Another network of nerves, called the parasympathetic nervous system, returns the body to its original state. If it does not activate after some time, a panic attack can suspend a person in that heightened state of arousal.

Many researchers believe that panic attacks might occur when the brain isn’t properly able to send messages between the prefrontal cortex, which is associated with logic and reasoning, and the amygdala, which governs emotional regulation. During a panic attack, the amygdala is hyperactive, while the prefrontal cortex is less responsive, causing us to spiral.

Who gets panic attacks?

Anyone can experience a panic attack. The risk, however, is highest for teens and people in their 20s. If you haven’t had a panic attack by age 45, you’re less likely to have an episode later in life.

Women are more than twice as likely as men to get panic attacks, but researchers aren’t entirely sure why that disparity exists.

How do you soothe a panic attack in the moment?

If you have not experienced a panic attack before, and you’re having chest pain and shortness of breath, you should go to the emergency room to confirm that you really are having a panic attack, instead of a cardiac issue. But if you have had panic attacks in the past, and you realize that you are starting to have another, these tips can help anchor you in the moment.

It may be helpful to practice these coping strategies ahead of time, so that you can employ them the next time a panic attack hits:

Talk yourself through it.

Remind yourself that you have survived panic attacks in the past, and while scary, the panic itself is not dangerous.

Know who to call.

A trusted friend or family member can help talk you down when you feel a panic attack start. Just talking to someone about what you’re experiencing, and naming the sensations across your body, can help stabilize you in the moment.

Count colors.

Some therapists recommend a simple grounding exercise: Count and name the colors around you. Say each one out loud, or just note them in your mind, as you register that the carpet is blue, or your shirt is red. Doing this can help distract you from the anxiety mounting in your mind.

Grab something cold.

Reach into your freezer and hold an ice cube, or place a damp, cool washcloth over your wrist. The shock of cold can help center you in the present; this also helps alleviate the uncomfortable warmth and sweating that some people feel during panic attacks.

Breathe like a baby.

Hyperventilating, a common feature of panic attacks, can make people feel dizzy, so taking slow breaths can be helpful.

Often, adults breathe from our chests; instead, it might be helpful to breathe from our diaphragms like a baby might, focusing on expanding our bellies.

This can slow and deepen our breaths, flooding the brain with oxygen and triggering the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps signal that we don’t need to fight, and reduces levels of distress.

How can you prevent future panic attacks?

If you experience recurrent panic attacks, you may want to seek out a therapist. Forms of cognitive behavioral therapy, in which a clinician prods you to challenge the fears and sensations you might experience during a panic attack, can be among the most effective treatments. The process can help change your thought patterns, desensitizing you to the underlying distress that can trigger panic attacks.

Some medications, including antidepressants like selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or S.S.R.I.s, may also be helpful for managing panic attacks.

As disconcerting as panic attacks can be, it’s important to remember that they are highly treatable, and that, as suddenly as they can crop up, they begin to fade.

We consulted Dr. Franklin Schneier, co-director of the Anxiety Disorders Clinic at New York State Psychiatric Institute; Lynn Bufka, associate chief of practice transformation at the American Psychological Association; Elizabeth Martin, an associate professor of psychological sciences at the University of California, Irvine who has researched the neurobiology behind panic attacks; and Angela Neal-Barnett, a psychology professor at Kent State University and author of “Soothe Your Nerves: The Black Woman’s Guide to Understanding and Overcoming Anxiety, Panic and Fear.”

THE YEAR IN WELL

Small Steps to Improve Your Mental Health in 2023

Well’s most popular mental health stories of 2022 are full of insights and guidance to usher you into the new year.

By Hannah Seo

Dec. 26, 2022

阅读简体中文版閱讀繁體中文版

This year may not have been the sea of calm you had hoped for after the tumult of 2020 and 2021. The pandemic continued; war broke out in Europe; we experienced natural disasters and troubling shortages; and more viruses stoked fears. But 2022 was also a year of learning and discovery.

At Well, we found new strategies to combat stress in our lives and build psychological resilience. Here were some of our top mental health stories of the year — packed with essential guidance to usher you into 2023.

1. Pay attention to the physical signs of burnout.

From insomnia and fatigue to headaches, stomachaches and changes in appetite, there are many ways your body may be telling you that you’re burned out. And while “burnout” may not be a formal medical diagnosis, Melinda Wenner Moyer reported, it doesn’t mean you should ignore its symptoms. Addressing burnout may take more than bubble baths and cups of tea, experts say, so consider consulting with a health care provider or a mental health professional to figure out the root of the issue.

Read the full story:

Your Body Knows You’re Burned Out

2. And understand how burnout differs from depression.

The symptoms of depression and burnout can be challenging to distinguish: Both may cause you to sleep too much or too little, or to struggle to focus. But depression is a diagnosable medical condition, whereas burnout is not, Dani Blum wrote.

With burnout, you might feel overwhelmed by unrelenting tasks at work, leading to feelings of cynicism, depletion and resentment of your job, which might cause a lack of energy for your hobbies. With depression, on the other hand, said Jeanette M. Bennett, an associate professor who studies the effects of stress on health at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte, you might not find your hobbies enjoyable at all. Or you might isolate yourself or neglect your hygiene and physical health. Understanding the difference is the first step in finding relief.

Read the full story:

How Can I Tell if I’m Depressed or Burned Out?

3. Find joy in a workout.

Think about a time you’ve felt the most elated and free. Were you jumping around with your arms raised at a concert? Were you cheering on your favorite sports team? Turns out the movements we make in response to feeling happy can elicit feelings of joy, too. Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist and lecturer at Stanford University, put together this eight-and-a-half-minute Joy Workout, which includes six moves designed to inspire happiness, no matter your age or abilities. You can make the moves as big or small or as fast or slow as you would like. The video features a standing workout, but you can try it seated, alone or with family members, inside or outside, or to different music.

Try the exercises:

The Joy Workout

4. Free yourself from ‘task paralysis.’

It’s common to freeze up when you have a lot on your plate — with never-ending to-do lists at home and mounting tasks at work, you may not even know where to start. This is what some people refer to as task paralysis, a phenomenon that arises when your brain views your to-do list as a threat, Dana G. Smith reported. And perfectionists are especially susceptible. To nip this kind of anxiety in the bud, it’s important not to let yourself keep avoiding things or putting tasks off. Remembering why the tasks ahead are important to you, and promising yourself small rewards once they’re done, can motivate you to start ticking them off. It can also help to break each task down into small, tangible steps. Once you’ve thought about the actual time and energy it would take to get things done, it won’t seem so daunting.

Read the full story:

How to Save Yourself From ‘Task Paralysis’

5. Turn to the wilderness for healing.

A growing body of evidence suggests that “ecotherapy,” or the practice of participating in activities in wilderness and nature, has a range of mental health benefits. Everything from hiking and white-water rafting to walking on a tree-lined street or having a plant at home can have mental health benefits, Alisha Haridasani Gupta reported. But getting outside, for some, can be easier said than done. Black, Hispanic and Asian people are three times as likely as white people to live in nature-deprived areas. “Awe-inspiring natural spaces in the United States, like national parks, are also tarnished with racist histories,” Ms. Haridasani Gupta reported. Organizations and online forums have sprung up across the country, encouraging people of color to step outdoors and soak in the mind-healing benefits of nature.

Read the full story:

The Mental Health Benefits of an Inclusive Outdoor Escape

6. Understand what to do during a panic attack.

Panic attacks can be frightening, especially if you’ve never experienced one. Dani Blum walked us through the causes and possible symptoms of panic attacks (which can include feeling as though you’re unable to breathe, a racing heart, a tight chest, nausea and tingly limbs). She also explained how you can coach yourself through one, including talking yourself down by reminding yourself that you are not in danger, breathing from your diaphragm and calling a friend. Distraction exercises, like counting and naming the colors around you, can also be effective. If you’ve never had a panic attack and are experiencing chest pain and shortness of breath, you should go to the emergency room to confirm that you’re not having a cardiac issue.

Read the full story:

The Anatomy of a Panic Attack

7. Get to know one of the body’s most crucial nerves.

The vagus nerve (referred to as an “information superhighway”) runs from the brain to the abdomen and influences nearly every internal organ. It is touted by many on social media as a key to tamping down anxiety, regulating the nervous system and helping the body to relax, Christina Caron reported. Some experts suggest small exercises like mindfulness sessions or pacing your breathing to help regulate the vagus nerve. Some people report that submerging your face in cold water triggers the “diving reflex,” a response that slows the heartbeat and constricts blood vessels, which might help you calm you down. However, wellness companies have also capitalized on this trend, with products like “vagus massage oil,” vibrating bracelets and pillow mists, which have not been backed by research.

Read the full story:

This Nerve Influences Nearly Every Internal Organ. Can It Improve Our Mental State, Too?

8. Try listening to brown noise to calm your mind.

The soothing, steady hum of brown noise, which is similar to white noise but has a lower and deeper sound quality, is gaining popularity online, especially among people with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, Dani Blum reported. Some say brown noise helps them feel calm, focused and less stressed; others say it soothes them to sleep. But for some, the constant hum of brown noise could be distracting or anxiety provoking. There’s most likely no harm to listening to brown noise for extended periods of time (unless you’re listening at unsafe volumes), experts say, but there’s not much evidence that it will do anything beneficial, either. If the rumbly buzz of brown noise brings you calm, listen to your heart’s content.

Read the full story and listen to the sounds:

Can Brown Noise Turn Off Your Brain?

9. Use your anxiety as an asset.

When your anxiety spirals out of control, it can be debilitating, but when humming along at normal levels, anxiety can actually be a strength, Christina Caron reported. A small bit of anxiety can serve as an alarm bell when you’re about to do something unsafe and can make you a more conscientious person. If you’re feeling anxious, it could also be a sign that something in your life is not working, and there may be a need for change. Accepting anxiety can also help you face your fears and build personal strength.

Read the full story:

The Upside of Anxiety

10. Figure out your wellness ‘non-negotiables.’

A daily pastry with coffee and the newspaper; a 90-pound Bernedoodle sitting in your lap — it’s the little rituals that keep us going, Dani Blum reported. We asked readers to share the things they do each day that anchor and bring joy to their lives. Some may sound familiar, or perhaps they might inspire new habits.

Read the full story:

The Little Rituals That Keep Us Going

Hannah Seo is a reporting fellow for The Times, covering mental and physical health and wellness. @ahannahseo

Managing Anxiety and Stress

Stay balanced in the face of stress and anxiety with our collection of tools and advice.

MAVERICK LIFE OP-ED

What grief feels like, and how to help those going through it

By Bridget McNulty• 13 September 2021

 Image: Supplied

When her mother died, 13 days after diagnosis, author of ‘The Grief Handbook: A guide through the worst days of your life’, Bridget McNulty, was — quite literally — lost for words. Here she shares more about her experience with grief, and the simple things one can do to help someone grieving.

https://spkt.io/a/2648417

A friend asked me, the other day, to write a handbook that explains how to support someone going through grief. I smiled and changed the subject. It’s such a lovely intention, but the fact is that there is very little you can do to help someone when they’re in deep grief. 

What I can do — or attempt to do — is put the feelings into words. To try to put the mass of emotions down on paper so one understands (a little) about what it’s like. https://buy.tinypass.com/checkout/template/cacheableShow?aid=eviNBV2Qpu&templateId=OT6DLG6O8K6B&templateVariantId=OTVKV548LF0IV&offerId=fakeOfferId&experienceId=EXI8W7PN9OHK&iframeId=offer_9aa0727e3b723ff1f5e1-0&displayMode=inline&widget=template

In the days and weeks after you’ve lost someone you deeply love, it feels as if your world has been cast adrift. As if you were on solid land, but you’re now bobbing out to sea, on an unstable raft, liable to fall into the water at any moment. All sense, all stability, all meaning has gone, and everywhere you look it’s just an endless grey horizon of sameness. Until you fall off the raft into the freezing grey water, which is desperate and icy, so you clamber back out — back into the fog and fug of grief. 

There were three things that surprised me about grief when my mom died 13 days after her diagnosis. The first was how all-consuming and hard it was. I had always imagined grief to be an older cousin of sadness, or a big sister of despair. This was something else entirely. Something physical, and emotional, and mental. Something that seeped into every space in my life and made it harder. 

It was only when I did the research for The Grief Handbook that I realised there was a scientific reason behind this. Grief is actually a prolonged stress response, which means your body is stuck in fight-or-flight, flooded with cortisol. Too much cortisol in the body leads to high blood sugar (which I noticed most because I’m a Type 1 diabetic), fatigue, irritability, headaches, gut issues, anxiety or depression, weight gain, increased blood pressure and low libido. A bouquet of physical symptoms that make it more difficult to get through the emotional loss of someone you love, and to grapple with the mental incomprehension that they are gone, now, forever. 

The second thing that surprised me was how boring grief was. Every day felt similarly awful. There was no new information to process and yet I needed — desperately — to process the same information, over and over. To tell the same story of the horror of a 72-year-old mom who had been perfectly healthy, and then had sore feet and acid reflux, and then suddenly lost weight, been admitted to hospital with four different kinds of cancer, had a stroke, and died. In the space of two weeks. 

There were moments — burned into my brain now — that I had to keep replaying. The hospital corridor where I hid from my dad and howled. The garden where I tried to fold in on myself and disappear. The room where we brought my mom home whole, and where she quickly slipped into a morphine coma, and then — just like that — was gone. The timing the timing the timing… That horrified me the most. We were dancing to The Cure playing live in Cape Town in early March, she was in a morphine coma in late June, she was gone on the 1st July. 

The third and final surprise of grief was how words failed me. Words, my constant companion since I learnt how to speak and write, had never failed me before! And yet now, they all sounded hollow. Yes, I was heartbroken — but I had been heartbroken in my 20s when I broke up with my musician boyfriend. Yes, I was exhausted — but I had been exhausted when I was sleep-deprived with young kids in my 30s. Yes, I was sad — but I had been sad about all kinds of minor losses before this… None of the words at my disposal were intense and vivid enough to describe the absolute heartache that made it difficult to breathe, that made me want to vomit, that leached all the joy out of my life. 

How, then, do I tell my friend what she can do to help? 

Well, I have an answer for that, actually. 

Or rather, I have a few suggestions of things that might help, and some that definitely don’t. 

The kindest and most helpful thing to do is also the hardest (sorry). If you are close to someone who is battling their way out there on the stormy seas of grief, just be there. Be the tether that holds their flimsy raft to shore. Sit with them if they want company, check in on them even if they don’t know how to respond, try your best to be a constant, steady presence. It is really hard and boring to be friends with someone who is grieving, but if you can manage it you will be doing them a great service. Because one day (who knows when?) they will need to offload some of the heartache and if you can hold their hand (physically or virtually), this unburdening will be a little easier. 

The other thing you can do is to offer practical help. Somehow, life doesn’t stop when grief takes over. Dinner still needs to be made, the house still needs to be tidied, children still need to be played with and admin still has to be done. All these daily tasks can seem completely overwhelming to someone in deep grief, though. Specific help can be a huge relief. Not, “Let me know if I can do anything to help,” (never “Let me know if I can do anything to help!”) because that puts pressure on the person who is grieving to identify what they need. It’ll never happen. Rather: “Can I drop off dinner on Tuesday at 5pm? I won’t stay,” Or: “Can I pick up some groceries for you / tidy your house / take your kids out for an hour so you can have a nap?” Anything to lighten the daily burden of tasks is a big help. 

The month before my mom got sick, one of her friends started chemo. She felt so helpless in the face of her friend having to undergo this painful treatment every day (the friend later felt so guilty coming to my mom’s funeral). Her solution? Every morning she sent her a funny meme or joke, and she made her a brightly coloured lap quilt so she wouldn’t get cold during treatment. Something to brighten a few seconds of the day, and something practical and cheery to keep her warm. 

Grief is the one thing that is inevitable. It is the one thing you and me and everyone we know are guaranteed of living through. We are all one day going to be cast adrift from the comforting normality of our daily lives, and into the seemingly endless grey fog of grief. And yet, if we know what to expect — if we have held the ropes that hold the rafts of our friends who are out on that stormy sea — it may be a little more manageable. The enormity may be slightly easier to bear. DM/ ML

Bridget McNulty is the author of The Grief Handbook: A guide through the worst days of your life. She is also a content strategist and the co-founder of Sweet Life, South Africa’s largest online diabetes community.